For What It Is Worth

I've seen a bunch of posts lately on other preemie blogs and forums about "What Not to Say" to parents of preemies. While I think these posts are probably warranted, I'd rather focus on things people should say to parents of preemies. I'll throw a few DO NOT say this in there for good measure, but I'd like to keep it positive.

First, when the baby is born, ask questions. This is new, uncharted territory for both you and your friend/family. But before you ask about the baby, ask about them. Ask how they are handling things. Not "Are you OK?" because, believe me, they aren't OK. Ask how they are handling things as in "Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to sit in silence? Do you want me to do your dishes or your laundry or...? Do you want me to tell other people? Do you want to hear congratulations? Do you want balloons and flowers? Do you want me to field questions from others? Do you want me to not talk about it? Do you want to talk about it? Do you want to call me when you need me or should I call you each week? Do you want me to leave you alone?" Everyone deals with this differently. Everyone. Some people love hearing congratulations. Some people hate hearing congratulations. So ask. And know that they might not have an answer for you, be prepared for that as well. They might change their mind next week. But asking them gives them control over your interactions. And they need to be able to control something.

Second, ask how the father is doing. Father's get left out a lot. But they are grieving and struggling the same as a mother, and they need support. Don't forget about them. They will deal with things differently, but they are still dealing with things.

Third, acknowledge the situation. So often people were uncomfortable with the reality of Charlotte's birth that all they could do was talk about what a fighter she was, or how well she was coming along. Sounds good, right? It is... except for those days that the worry and the stress just get too much. On those days, all parents need is for someone to acknowledge the fact that things are rough. Too often, in an effort to uplift and keep the mood light, the fears and very real emotions of parents are pushed to the side with success stories. Really, all that parent wants is for someone to say, "It's OK to feel the way you are feeling. Really, things are hard, and this just isn't fair. You shouldn't have to go through this. I'm sorry you are meeting your child this way." Otherwise, the parent is stressed and depressed and on top of it, they are being told that they are feeling improperly, that their emotions are not valid, and that they are failing their child. Don't dwell on the situation, but recognize it. Address it.

Fourth, once the child is home, make sure you still check in. There are days that I wish we could be back in the NICU, because being home, it's hard. Really hard. OK, so I don't really want to be in the NICU, but still. It's hard. Things are not necessarily all better now that a baby is home.

Fifth, re-evaluate. Remember that conversation you had at the very beginning? When you asked how they were handling it? You should be re-evaluating that situation every-so-often. You know your friend/family member best, but make sure you aren't basing your interaction off of old information.

OK, for the Not-to-Say crowd, here are some things you might want to avoid, unless you really, really, really know this person and/or they are the ones to bring the topic up.

Don't ask about milestones. Believe me. That parent is obsessed with milestones. Celebrate with them when their child reaches milestones, but don't ask if they are meeting them. A preemie parent will let you know, I promise. They don't need to be reminded of things their child isn't doing.

Don't mention your second cousin's husband's hairdresser's dog walker who once had a preemie and their baby is now a football player. We've all heard the stories. We know. We get it. Preemies turn out to be fine all.the.time. But this is our child, with our difficulties, with our complications. And those stories, they really get old. Let the old ladies in the grocery store tell them to us. Because, honestly, we hear them everywhere.

Try to avoid saying things that you wouldn't want to hear, such as "Was it someone's fault that the baby came early?" or "Way to keep your baby alive!"
 
Mostly, be honest. With yourself, with your friend/family member. Say, "I'm not sure what to say," when you are at a loss for words. Most likely, that parent is at a loss for words as well. No one is really prepared for that kind of situation. When you want to ask a question, and you aren't sure if it's appropriate or not, just say so. A simple, "I'm not sure if this is the right way to say this" or "I'm not sure if I should be asking this or not" can defuse a situation, and lets the parent know that your intentions are good.

Because they are, right? Your intentions are good?

You'll be alright then :)

Edit: Are you a preemie parent? Add what you did or didn't want to hear from others in the comment section. I'll organize them all and make a "page" section that can be shared. Are you a friend or family member of a preemie? Comment on what we as preemie parents can do to help you know how to help us. Sometimes we need guidance as well. It takes a village, right?