39 Weeks

Today I should be calling my mother, complaining that I'm not any more dilated than I was last week.

I should be gasping for air as my baby takes up the space my lungs used to inhabit. I should be in pain because this.baby.is.just.too.big.

I should be begging to go into labor, trying to stay indoors or hide out at the mall just to keep cool in this weather. I should be crying because even maternity clothes don't fit. I should be anxiously timing every.single.{false}.contraction.

I should be filling the internet with personal details about how I cannot urinate and what's happening with my cervix.

I should. I should. I should.

But I'm not.

If the NICU teaches anything, it teaches "I should" doesn't exist.

Instead, the wise NICU encourages me to let go. To let go of expectations. To allow time to be time and events to be events, without there being a clear relationship between the two. I've learned that there's so much more to learn.

I should be pregnant right now.

But there are women who should be mothers, and there are babies who should be alive and there are problems that should have plagued our NICU stay. "Should" doesn't mean much.

And if I am to accept our blessings, I have to accept our challenges. If I am to praise Charlotte's progress then I have to deal with her unexpected presence.

I cannot ask to be carried, and then complain about the route we've taken.

I shouldn't complain. But sometimes, I do.

5'ers

5

Pounds

I've never been so happy about a 4 pound weight gain in all my life.
Way to go little girl, way to go.

(Officially, she's now 2273 grams, or 5.01 pounds, or 4.05 times her birth weight of 560 grams)

Baby Baby

6/8/10 Taken while some tubes were being changed on the CPAP machine. So nice to see her face.

Charlotte is 2220 grams (4 pounds 14 ounces) and her CPAP settings are currently at 7. It took her 3 days to move from an 8 to a 7, so maybe this time next week she'll be on nasal cannula. They've changed her feedings to 42 mL/ 3 hours over 40 minutes (previously over an hour).

Some of her tubing from the CPAP machine fell on the floor last night, so the respiratory therapist had to change out a whole bunch of stuff (technical, I know). For about 15 minutes, Charlotte was on blow by (air was being blown past her face and she would breathe that in on her own) and it was amazing to see her face.

We were able to check out her hair (it's growing!) and much to my dismay, everyone thought she looked like Pete. Darn kids and their Knickerbocker genetics. I know we keep on saying this, but she really looked like a BABY. Weird, huh?

We're going to try to see if they will allow her to be on nasal cannula while we hold her, since she did so well on blow by. We'll see... it's a stretch and I don't want to get too set on it, but we'll make the suggestion.

We'll let you know!

Shiloh

I had a long poignant post ready for you all, and then I read Hillary's blog (I posted about her situation a few weeks ago).

Her son was born yesterday, and they had one hour together before he left them.

Nothing I have to say seems quite right.

Please say a prayer for this family tonight. They have an angel looking down on them, but I think they'll need a few more angels here on Earth to help them get through this time.

http://bhcalaway.blogspot.com/

Thanks.

Day 100

One hundred days ago, we walked (I was rolled) into the NICU and met this little baby girl:

Today we held this one in our arms:

There just aren't words.

We're Still Here

What a week! I'm not going to assume anyone was biting their nails waiting for me to post, but I'll apologize for keeping you all hanging anyway.

This week has been great for Charlotte. She has been successfully weaned from the SiPAP machine, and is now preparing for a wean from CPAP. She's currently at a CPAP pressure of 8 and they want her to be at a pressure of 5 before they'll try nasal cannula. The current plan is to take her down one pressure at a time every other day (Monday-7, Wednesday-6, Friday-5). We'll see what she thinks of that :)

Charlotte is currently taking 40 mL/3hrs and is still fortified to 28cal/ounce. She's weighing in at 2075 grams, or 4 pounds 9 ounces.

**Warning: Discussion of breastfeeding follows. If that makes you uncomfortable, don't read, but I will remind you: this is a blog about a baby...**

We've also started non-nutritive sucking exercises, on which she has most likely missed the memo. For NNS, I pump and then take her to breast, to give her the idea that she is supposed to breastfeed, but not overwhelm her with something to swallow. Currently, she rolls her eyes and goes back to sleep. Oh well, we'll get there eventually.

We've also started talking about bringing her home!! Scary, and exciting and OH-MY-GOODNESS-I-CAN'T-WAIT-TO-BE-DONE-WITH-THE-NICU!!

Charlotte has two requirements to come home:
1. Be on the nasal cannula w/o any significant consistent desat's
2. Be able to feed orally for 2-3 days straight.

Non-nutritive sucking is the first step in teaching her how to eat orally. Then she'll start "nippling" from a bottle and eventually, she'll *hopefully* latch on.

It's hard to stay focused on her in the NICU when I feel like we have so much to do to get ready for her to come home. We need to get a car seat, figure out where she's sleeping, move furniture, etc. And then, I need to find a happy medium between people who take their babies out in public right away and people who don't let their babies out of the house until they're three (yes, there are NICU mom's who do this. Many of them).

So it's weird trying to figure things out. Is it worth it to sign up for a race? Will I be able to go running? Is it worth it to get the car seat adapter for my stroller? Will I even have a use for a stroller with her? Will I go ANYWHERE? Can I go hang out with friends? When can I go grocery shopping? Can you tell I'm freaking out a little bit?

Having a baby in the NICU? Not so scary (she has nurses!). Bringing one home? Terrifying (she has me!).

Phew. That's all.

2 Kilos

Sitting in the bouncy chair, where she watches "TV" aka, the mobile.
(5/27/10)

That's right, ladies and gentlemen, Charlotte Amalie has hit 2 Kilos. Specifically, she is 2010 grams, or 4 pounds, 6.9 ounces, or 3.5 times her birth weight of 560 grams.

Her SiPap pressures are 10/8 (hoping to have that down to 8/8 by Friday), she's using about 40% oxygen and her hair is the fuzziest thing ever (think baby duckling fuzz dyed brown). Her heart rate is even sitting at about 170. Perfect? Yes.

Pretty much, she's rockin' life. She's more awake, still doesn't cry (technically, she can cry, she just doesn't very often. When she does, she's super raspy from being on the vent) and is using her hands to self soothe (she cups her cheeks with her hands-- way too cute).

(5/27/10)

Her head is still a little "toaster head"-ish but hey, nothing a helmet can't fix (just kidding... sort of). And seriously, when you're problems can be fixed by a helmet, not so bad. We'll take it.

And, to top it all off, her great-grandma Barbara left her a gift of the most adorable dress I have ever seen. I'll post a picture, but just believe me, it's so dainty and cute (when did I become a mom of a girl?!?!). If she's big enough for it, she's totally wearing it to her "Thank you for keeping my mommy sane" party on July 3rd. (If she's home by then. Which we hope she is, but we're not too, too set on it.)

So yes. Life is good. Thanks for celebrating these good days with us. We're having more and more days to celebrate and we're so grateful you're all here so we can share the joy. That was sappy.

But true.