I haven't really had a good cry in the NICU yet. I see moms crying all the time in there, and usually, I roll my eyes at them. Mostly because it's (usually) a mom with a baby who is totally fine and will be leaving within 24 hours and I wanna scream GIVE ME A BREAK, but even just typing this, I realize what an awful, terrible, person it makes me.
Anyway....
Tonight there were some issues going on with another baby in the NICU, a baby I've really come to love and adore, and for some reason, sitting there, holding Charlotte, I felt a tear glide down my cheek. And another. And another. And then, there I was. Crying, in the NICU. We've been there for what, 18 weeks? And tonight, first tear in the NICU.
It's just that, well...
It's just not fair.
There.
I've said it.
It's not fair that a baby so tiny has to fight so hard. It's not fair that a baby as sweet as Charlotte has to experience so much. It's not fair that a laser surgery on her eye seems like no big deal. It's not fair that she'll wear glasses and have vision problems for the rest of her life. It's not fair that there are babies being intubated and there are mothers wondering when the antibiotics will finally kick in. It's not fair that we have to have crash courses in chemistry, biology and human anatomy. It's not fair how much I know about the respiratory system, the circulatory system, the digestive system... It's just not fair.
And of course, over walked Charlotte's nurse and for an evening, she was my nurse. She asked me what was going on-- she agreed that yeah, life kinda kicked Charlotte in the face. She told me to cry, to complain, to acknowledge our blessings-- and then, ever so tactfully, she talked about her siblings and her family. She laughed with me when I told her about my siblings and family, and most importantly, allowed me to move on. She acknowledged and then prevented me from wallowing. I left the NICU with a smile on my face and with a genuine peace.
Sometimes, I need a good cry. Sometimes, I need a good laugh. And I'm ever so grateful that tonight someone was there who knew how to handle both.
You are absolutely normal for all the emotions you are feeling. I still feel that pain of looking at kids my Alex's age who lived and who are thriving young 6 year olds. Life is totally not fair and sometimes I wonder if there is any rhyme or reason to those of us who have to suffer such great affliction and sorrow! You are truly blessed to have little Charlotte still with you and she will be with you for a long time! All you can do is take it hour by hour and triumph in the small victories and hold strong with the set backs. You will find much strength in the Lord if you but completely allow him to comfort you. Also let Charlotte's strength be a comfort to you...she knows what is going on and she knows you love her more than anything and that gives her her will and to fight and that also will strengthen her testimony in the future. It is hard to hear the words "hang in there" but there is nothing else you can do but that. If you ever need anything let me know!!
ReplyDeleteDearest Amanda, Courtney and Cliff said it all in the above post. Thank you Courtney for your wonderful insight. You are more than able to understand, as few of us are, what Amanda and Peter are experiencing. Amanda, you and Courtney are heroes to all of us as we watch you overcome great adversity with faith, love, and strength. Know you are not alone....we love you dearly. Mom
ReplyDeleteIt is so not fair having to think about how hard 2010 has kicked our asses but at the same time having to think how damn lucky we are... Thank God for the nurses who so clearly understand and know just the right thing to say-- my only NICU cry (aside from when everything was packed and we were told we couldn't leave) was when a nurse, who wasn't even ours on that particularly rough day (they were pushing her to see if a transfusion could be avoided and her monitor was alarming constantly), came in, sat down and said "How are you doing?" I think I was like you and crying felt like a waste of time, an indulgence that I didn't have time for but that day it helped so much.
ReplyDeleteI can not wait for the day that we can celebrate Charlotte being home with you.
i'm glad CA's nurse was the kind that helped your heart. you're right, it's not fair. and i'm sorry. sending loves your way.
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